Miss you

Today after work, went to meet and see off a friend. Since taking the taxi would have been costly yet would have consumed as much time as public transportation, walked with a guy from work by taking a shortcut. Although, I have been exercising and walking rather often lately, none of it was enjoyed as much as the walking today.

Why?

Because it brought all the memories.. even those about memories





-- On the way, had to cross the Bars Bridge (Barsiin Guur) over the rails of the Ulaanbaatar Terminal, after what has been 11 years. I remember how the bridge was still very new, the surrounding with much less people and how it looked enormous and impressive for a daddy's little girl. I remember going with me dad to meet my dad's friend and also see him off. Now do tell me about deja vu. After the 11 years, today as I was walking on that bridge, I remembered how my dad held my hand while we were walking the stairs which are almost as tall as 2-storey builging, and how we sat on the top of the stairs and he explained to me about the railroad system in UB, Mongolia and how he used/advanced what he had learned about back in the USSR and how what he learnt there and here helped him understand much more about things other than his job and jobs other than what he originally studied... Although the almost-void-of-people surrounding was impressively big and empty, my dad to me seemed so big and strong and even unbeatable... It was one of those moments where I had so many questions "Why/how ... this/that?" and feeling overwhelmed and proud of my dad answering all of these questions in a way that was so easy to understand but yet not over-simplified and could satisfy my curiosity just fine.


-- Half an hour walk also included having to cross the Dundgol, which sadly, now is not even a stream (hopefully yet). Yet there still remain some small trees and bushes and with the warm weather you could see fresh green baby grasses/leaves coming out. This reminded me, again, of my childhood. How when the spring came my dad used to take me and my sister our for a walk and to play outside/on the sand. Then he would make sure that we were not to step on the baby grasses and explained to us that they were like human babies, so fragile and weak and trying to make it through the tough time. Also he somehow convinced us to play so that the candy wrapping and other small garbage such as bottle caps etc., were to be collected and used as either money or candies (by wrapping small stones in them). So we used to have real sharp eyes for any unnatural even-if-not-colorful-stuffs laying in the ground or on trees :) Add to it my mum's love for flowers. My mum still has many different flowers and loves them so much that when she has to leave home for sometime the flowers are to be given as much attention as our pet dog. Mum, dad, thanks so much for raising us -city kids with supposedly "white hands" - with this much respect and love for nature.

-- When I went on a business trip with coworkers from work to countryside, I was so saddened to see all the garbage and bottle scattered in the otherwise clean nature, all the roads drawn so close to each other oftentimes overlapping at several point without much difference from one another all scarring the valleys and mountains ... as proof of impatience. I could not help thinking when I am retired and not volunteering in foreign countries, I shall make sure I spend time cleaning such mess, destruction even (if sadly enough the situation is still similar), if not training/talking to children, youth about the simple beauty of nature as part of joy to life.




-- Also I was lucky enough to enjoy company of an older guy, close to your age and two younger guys in the pick-up. As much as the the younger guys were fun to be with, with much things in common to talk and reminisce about, also as much as I enjoyed the older guy who was half-jokingly saying "I will make sure you meet my boy" as he also studied in Russia and has extensive experience of working, thus broad knowledge about life and work in the countryside as well,

Nothing beats you, noone impresses, moves me as YOU do DAD, and I miss you!

-- During the trip I had a dream about you. You seemed to tell me to take things as they are now and that you were happy to be remembered (to say the least) the way you were and that you WILL be back to me/us in your time. I could feel the warmth of a smile following the dream through my whole being, with my eyes closed, before I got up the next morning.

You are the inspiration

My MOTTO

these day:



Try looking at tomorrow not yesterday
And all the things you left behind
All those tender words you did not say
The gentle touch you couldn't find

In these days of nameless faces
There is no one truth but only pieces
My life is all i have to give

Dare to live until the very last
Dare to live forget about the past
Dare to live giving something of yourself to others
Even when it seems there's nothing more left to give

Ma se tu vedessi l'uomo
Davanti al tuo portone
Che dorme avvolto in un cartone,
Se tu ascoltassi il mondo una mattina
Senza il rumore della pioggia,
Tu che puoi creare con la tua voce,
Tu, pensi i pensieri della gente,
Poi, di Dio c'e solo Dio.

Vivere, nessuno mai ce l'ha insegnato,
Vivere, non si può vivere senza passato,
Vivere è bello anche se non l'hai chiesto mai,
Una canzone ci sarà, qualcuno che la canterà

Dare to live searching for the ones you love
(Perché, perché, perché, perché non vivi questa sera?)
Dare to live no one but we all
(Perché, perché, perché, perché non vivi ora?)
Dare to live until the very last
(Perché, perché, perché la vita non è vita)
Your life is all you have to give (Perché)
non l'hai vissuta
Vivere!

Dare to live until the very last
(Perché, perché, perché Ia vita non è vita)
Your life is all you have to give (Perché)
non l'hai vissuta mai

I will say no (I will say yes)
Say dare to live
Dare to live

dare to live

On my way back from work (after 2 hrs of over-working, which is not rare), in a taxi, while listening to this song and my mind and heart busy with so many questions, pondering and fluctuating could not help noticing all the people in the street.

Looking through the taxi window, at some point it seemed like it was sort of out-of-body experience... as if I was looking at myself staring at people in an aquarium,(as opposed to the Ulziitugs novel), them going on with their life.

Young, older couples walking hand in hand (no doubt that the ficklest of them all, in many senses for many sentient, the spring is here), no rush, mostly smiles on their faces.

Girlfriends walking, talking, laughing, in a sense care-free. At some point could not help thinking I did not have too many of such moments as a student in Mongolia, cause of not too much time in library but cause I was busy with both busy with different work: both paid and unpaid, which in turn taught me a lot, helped me get to know myself, challenge myself.

Conductors for the microbuses screaming at the top of their lungs that even I could hear regardless of my iPod. They must be struggling to get more clients till its their time to take off. They must be happy in the knowledge that they will be bringing bread to the table if not today then later. If I were in their shoes, I probably would have been(remembers of the happy couple in The Gift of the Magi http://www.auburn.edu/~vestmon/Gift_of_the_Magi.html).

Stray dogs wondering the streets. Personally I am happy in the knowledge that they won't die cause of coldness as it is much warmer (+19 degrees today!) and that they also hope that at least today they won't be killed neither by any cruel Koreans/Chinese for gourmet meal nor by people as means of "cleaning/making safer the city".

"Big guys" in and out of their big/medium(very much unlike the small[? is that the word] taxi I am :p) some even state-of-the-art cars/fancy restaurants, talking/doing/being down to business in every meaning of the word.

Still working, doing whatever is it that they do.



DARE to live?
dare to LIVE?
dare, too, live too?

Then I ask myself. What have I done, accomplished today?! Got up, showered, then work ... routine. BUT, I managed to see my granny during lunchtime, then talk to couple of friends of mind and had few moments for myself to (which is oftentimes kind of hard to do with all the people around).

So would I have wanted to be in the other people's places?!

No, not really. I am satisfied being myself, telling myself over and over again that I have to dare to live (not just exist in some sort of robot like routine, or ëven worse "rat race") and that it can be accomplished only by convincing myself "Two (major) thoughts cannot occupy mind at the same time".

I am going to aim high, but shoot low(first) and remember to "stop and smell the flowers sometimes" and by remembering the fundamentals (love and care for my loved ones & be strong yet be more understanding and forgiving [my resolution for 2009]) and enjoy the simple beauties of life (like there three berries)




(a bowlful of these were served as dessert after an original and exotic lunch by a good (Japanese) friend of mine, whom I dearly miss now, when I went to visit her. Three of these dark red(?) frozen berries put on the black ricebowl-lid turned upside down looked so simple yet so classically beautiful that I could not help grabbing my camera and taking picture. Masterpiece in itself. Oh, beautiful life ...)